I’m Not Who I Use To Be

It took me a long time to final accept this phrase “I’m not who I used to be”. For so long I allowed my past to control my entire life. It was finally when I was heading into my 30’s that I had to finally let go but I also needed to understand why I was the way I am.

What I will not do is pass down a cycle of struggle and pain to my own children but what made me realize this is that I was actually doing the very thing I said I wouldn’t do.

See it’s taking me some time to finally understand myself and I continue this every day. What I finally needed to do was to speak MY TRUTH! I put that in all caps because sometimes we tend to hold back our truth in order to protect someone we love but what this does is teach you to hide who you really are to please that special person.

I grew up in a family where love and emotions were something that wasn’t shown. So I’m not good at showing my emotions. How I grew up to understand love was that if somebody spends their money on you, no matter how bad they treat you that obviously means they love you.

Now like I said this is MY TRUTH and how I felt and I needed to get this out to understand me better.

I didn’t have the best relationship with my momma or daddy. At times I felt like she resented me and just didn’t care. My daddy, I don’t know what to say about that because he is the reason I have a hard time with relationships. Really it’s both of them but I also understand my blame in it too. Imagine feeling like the two most important people in your life don’t care, it crushes you. It causes me to have self-esteem issues, trust issues, anxiety and so much more. Because of this, I made myself a people pleaser, I just wanted someone to want and love me.

But after feeling that hurt and loneliness for so many years I built a facade where nothing could hurt me, that I was strong and I didn’t need anyone. See when you’re used to being hurt you get tired and you have to act as if you don’t care. I’ve been through some shit and it has damaged me but through prayer, meditation and doing yoga it has taught me so much about myself. I will continue my story and my struggles in the next post, I just want people to know that you are not alone there is someone who has gone through it or still is and I am here to help. Namaste!

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